Just The Way We Are!

I went to work one morning, amidst pressure and everyone trying to meet up with deadline, my colleagues still find a way to laugh and throw banters. At every point someone tries to break the silence of everyone straight faced to a laptop, the person comes up with a story of juju.

Having had a deep reflection I made this quote and posted on facebook. “an average Nigerian is traditional in mind. Sadly education is not a guarantee to their liberation.” A colleague of mine saw it and asked which one be this one again? So we spoke about the post, about our conversation and I made jest of how they carry juju in mind amidst academic enlightenment.

What I realised was that I tried to exempt myself from that post, I tried to look at myself as liberal but the truth is, I am what my post said.

During my undergraduate days, in the bid to make extra money and relief my parents of having to spend so much on me, I was involve in selling perfume, eggs and making deliveries. While advertising my perfume to a customer we became friends. (Actually I am good friends with most of my customers).

I came from a strong Roman Catholic background and whatever catholic prayer you can think of as a child I prayed with much devotion. My Mom’s family are partly Muslims so I have Muslims cousins I love so much. For me, this was what informed my thinking that as a Christian, a Muslim is my friend and I relate properly with them without bias. (So I think).

My first friend is a Muslim and after that I have had soul sisters who are Muslims. While it is easy to share a bond with a Muslim girl I never looked at getting close to a Muslim guy in the context of a relationship or marriage.

Why didn’t I give this a thought? It just never came to mind that I can be in a relationship with a Muslim guy. Is it religion or education that had this impact on me? Am I truly traditional at mind? Is it about my family values or my experiences in life that has formed me into what I am?

So I have been friends with this guy for over a decade. I have seen a quote somewhere that “if a friendship last more than seven years then those involved are likely going to be friends forever” (paraphrased). We have had our highs and lows; we can laugh about everything and quarrel about everything. Something is always up for debate between us; there is always something to agree about. Sometimes we are so angry at each other that we don’t talk for a month, three months, six months or even a year.

A call from me or him brings us talking about all we have missed. We would usually say to ourselves “while you were away this and this happened…”we would talk so long as we have the time to and catch up on every detail. Every friend and immediate family of mine knows this guy because his name has become a household name in my house.

About six years ago, we had an intense argument and after that I was such we had trashed out the issue on ground and never to repeat itself again, my friend gave me a space of another three years and asked same question. This time around it wasn’t with a fight but slowly and calmly I explained myself.

I was calm because life has happened to both of us and for me I was more matured and experienced and I understood life a little better. My friend asked me to marry him. Do I want to marry him? Yes I want to, but why have I rejected his proposal?

My values and principles. Really???  What has informed these values and principles? My faith (Christianity), my culture and tradition (Ebira/Yoruba), my language as English is the only language we communicate in which is fair enough. 

As an average Nigeria who is a Christian, marrying a Muslim isn’t an option, marrying as a second wife will bring so much tears to my parents then marrying an Hausa man will mean I will be disowned. This can just be the immediate problem I know we will encounter but what of many other stronger and bigger issues? Can love truly conquer these? Life has shown me that in marriage there is more to love. Polygamy has never been my thing, I can write a whole book on polygamy and the evil it breeds and unhealthy competition? How I hate it, please everyone walk on your lane when you get there first I congratulate you.

In the mind of most Nigerians these things play out. When you meet people and the friendship extends from hand shake we begin to evaluate them on the basis of religion and tribe. We begin to think of how we fit into each other’s class, we begin to think of the benefit we gain and how we please those we love.

My colleague showed me a post of two little boys, a black and a white child and she asked me “Ozohu, what do you see in this?” and I screamed “racism!” and she said “even in the heart of westernisation education hasn’t changed their minds so why question Nigerians?” 

As Nigerians this is truly who we are. Few may not be governed by religion, tribe and culture but for many of us this is truly who we are and we are even unapologetic about it because it has become the baseline in which we draw our values and principles from. In the end an average Nigerian is traditional in mind. Sadly education is not a guarantee to their liberation.