Between silence and truth

Written by Paschal Chinedu.

It is traditionally said that partners should always say the truth during courtship. I strongly agree with that. It is very necessary that partners should open up about any past or present truth about themselves that could jeopardize their marriage. This is in order to help build trust, transparency and fidelity in the marriage.

However, there are some truths that are simply unnecessary for your partner to know about, either because they will have no bearing on the marriage or they could downrightly destroy it in future.

1. NEVER TELL YOUR INTENDING SPOUSE HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU HAVE SLEPT WITH IN THE PAST: It is sufficient to know that you are not a virgin. You could even know certain circumstances that led to it, but to relate one after the other or even mention names after the other is rather superfluous and absolutely unnecessary.

The consequence of it is, while you are counting he is secretly counting the number of girls he has slept with in his mind. If you happen to have made love to more men than he had with ladies, he surely will begin to look at you from another perspective. For instance, If a lady had 15 men and he only ever had 5 girls all his life, that is one third of the lady. He begins to see her like a whore. Men have ego and whether you like it or not such things make an impression on them and goes a long.

In the same manner, ladies have pride. They can not stand a man who is a dishonest person, a man whose words must pass through fire before it is believed.

2. NEVER TELL HOW MANY ABORTIONS YOU HAVE HAD: If your partner must know, it is sufficient for your partner to know that you have procured an abortion in the past. Either you were the 'financer' and encourager or you have done so in a clinic for multiple times, it is uncalled for to narrate that you have had D and C abortion for 10 times or 12 times for instance. The reason is that such information are superfluous.

The question is: Of what value will such information be to the overall good of the marriage? Perhaps it may be necessary for your partner to know that there's been an abortion before if a situation calls for such information but not to start doing a numerical count of the numbers.

First reason is that most partners are not proud of the times they have had to abort a child. Therefore bringing back such memories is counter productive to you as a person first of all.  Telling such will weaken your partners spirit giving doubt if the guy is under a curse and may not be able to conceive, or if the womb of the lady can still carry a child. However, such information may bring back memories your partner wish to forget on his or her part.

In the silence of your personal conscience it is necessary to always pray for forgiveness for such sin because abortion is a crime that is crying to heaven for vengeance.

3. NEVER TELL THE CRIMINAL HISTORY OF YOUR IMMEDIATE FAMILY: We all have certain family secrets that we are not proud of. Certain things are better left unexplored. If your partner wants to marry you, then allow him or her to discover that secret by themself after entering into your family instead of opening your mouth to narrate it. For example, if your mother happens to be a kleptomaniac, she has once stolen inside the market square, was caught and beaten up severely by the public in the market, would it make sense to narrate such a story to your spouse to be? Is it not better you allow your partner discover it after they are in the family? What value will such a narrative add to the good of your marriage?

The consequence is that, next time something gets missing in the house, one will take a second look at you or at your mother if she happens to be resident in the house with you. Therefore it is a matter of simple prudence not to disclose certain things.

4. IF HAVE SLEPT WITH A MEMBER OF YOUR PARTNER'S FAMILY IN THE PAST BEFORE MEETING: Such confession is to be made before your God while you earnestly seek forgiveness from God. Mistakes happen but God is always ready to forgive us. Therefore if for instance you are married and you discover you had slept with a member of your partner's family before, it is useless confessing such. If your partner must know, let the other person be the one to tell.

Some people can be very insistent. They want to know every bit of thing about your past but prudence dictates that you must know what to say and what not to say. This does not mean I am telling you to lie. There is a difference between prudence and lying. A lie is defined thus: A lie is a deliberate false statement made to somebody who deserves to know the truth.

Therefore in reporting issues we must always judge if the person deserves to know the truth in the first place and of what purpose will the truth serve in every particular situation.